I’m finding it hard to think of things to write about now I have a blog. Now I have a space to share my thoughts, the space in my mind that I use to create some kind of word vomit to write about has vanished. I go to type something when I think I might have something that I can make into a group of words that might sound alright, and then I just stop. I don’t know whether it’s the pressure of writing something that isn’t just for me anymore or whether it’s my mind telling me this isn’t important. What I have to say isn’t really significant in the grand scheme of things.
With the world experiencing a pandemic as a whole; as well as the murder of George Floyd brought to the forefront of our attention with the increased awareness of the black lives matter movement and the presence of systemic racism in all aspects of society being made evident…the famine in Yemen, the devastating explosion in Beirut, I don’t feel like what I have to write has much significance.
However with everything that has gone on it makes me wonder what the purpose of life is or at least what I can contribute.
For the past few months I have been having an existential crisis. According to a dictionary online, existential crisis is defined as ‘a psychological episode in which a person questions the meaning of their life and of existence itself’… Not to get too deep or anything.
Everything that has been going on this year has made me and I’m sure others realise, just how short our existence really is. It is estimated that the the Earth has been around for about 4.5 billion years. Humans have been on the planet for around 200,000 years, one person takes up on average around 79 years of that. Life is fleeting. I have been questioning what is important to me. What brings me happiness, who brings me happiness and what I want to accomplish with my life. I am in such a privileged position compared to many people in the world, the fact that I have been educated throughout school and chose to go to university, as well as having a full time job and enough money to be able to pay for rent and still have a bit left over that I can save enough to follow my dreams of travelling. So why I am questioning life if this is the life I lead? Don’t get me wrong I am no ‘self made’ billionaire like Kylie Jenner but my life could be worse and I acknowledge that.
What I’m getting at is, why do we spend so much time of our lives unhappy, wanting more out of life when our existence is so short?
We work from being a teenager to about 66 when we can get our state pension. Say you start full time work at 18, fast forward 48 years and you can enjoy life knowing you are free from full time work. 48 years?! I am 26, that’s almost double my entire life existence, working! Don’t get me wrong I love my job, but 48 years of it?!
Life should be enjoyable. We shouldn’t be living to work. Spending time with loved ones, doing what makes us happy should come before that, surely.
Lockdown has given me time to think and ponder about my future and what I want to make out of my short time here. Existential crises can relate to depression in a way of questioning ones significance to ones life, however for me, this hasn’t come from a depressive episode (at least I don’t think so), it’s come from frustration. Frustration of having the same conversations with family members and friends about whether we are truly happy and whether we are fulfilling our potential whatever that may be. I think it’s about purpose. Having a story to tell your grandkids. Whether it’s adventures, or the extraordinary people that meant something to you or charity work that meant you were able to make a difference to someone’s life. These are the aspects of life that you’ll remember in years to come, not how much money you spent on a car or designer handbag.
This year has made me think about stuff…to put it simply. I am examining what I consider to be happiness. Being in nature. Being with family and friends. Seeing new places and different cultures. Going on adventures. Listening to live music. Helping people. All of the things I want to strive to do more of. I could live out of a backpack in a tiny house in the mountains somewhere or by the beach in a camper van. I want a simple life that’s full of purpose and meaningful happiness.
Give me a backpack, I am ready!