I’ve decided to post a small collection of thoughts I’ve had recently that I haven’t developed into blog posts.
Today as I write this I lay on the sofa. I am feeling really autumnal. A sense of nostalgia always finds me when it gets to October. I love this time of year. The cold crisp air and the sunshine. The crunching leaves beneath my feet. The smells of pumpkin spice candles and hot roast dinners. There’s something almost magical about autumn. Halloween is around the corner. Hocus Pocus I love. It’s a firm favourite of one my friends, so every time I watch it I am reminded of her. Her mum is an artist and decorates the house in the most incredible way for Halloween.
I tell myself every year, that this year I will experience Halloween in America. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. The houses seem so elaborately decorated and pumpkin picking is a big thing.
There’s a sense of community almost when Halloween comes around. It feels safe and welcoming. This year will be different but with Halloween films and snacks, it will be what you make it.
How university has shaped me.
Before university I was so unsure about myself. I really didn’t know what I wanted out of life and how I fitted into the world. This is something I am still working on. However, at the time of confirming my place at university, I was a bit lost. Finishing high school and then sixth form and having everyone ask ‘what are your plans now?’ And not being able to give a sufficient enough answer, I just felt like I wasn’t functioning properly as a young adult. My mind couldn’t come to a conclusion about my future. It felt almost like I was seeing myself from above, seeing the disconcerted look on my face and feeling lost now that I wasn’t in a routine; now I had to think for myself and come to some understanding about who I wanted to be.
University taught me to be me. Not to put on a facade. Not to try too hard. If people weren’t my type of people then it would soon become apparent. I gained confidence and stopped caring so much about what others opinions were. University life for me, was much less bitchy than high school seemed. It wasn’t always easy, but those tough times of being in the library for all hours of the day were worth it. I was motivated to learn. I put time into projects because I wanted to. I wanted to do well but also enjoy the experience. I am more well rounded, more comfortable with myself, I know myself more and I appreciate the friendships I have more because of my time making new friends and putting myself in awkward situations. It’s a learning experience more than just academia.
Some days I just don’t feel myself. Sometimes I blame my hormones. But others I can’t. I just feel meh. Like everything irritates me and I don’t know how to be. I feel like I’m not myself and I feel disconnected. I want more than anything in this moment to get up and feel motivated; but I just can’t. I lay and do nothing. I feel some sort of way that I can’t explain. It’s an empty feeling but also full of thought. I can’t get comfortable, yet the sofa is so soft. It’s like my mind isn’t comfortable. But there’s not really any reason for it. Then I start thinking maybe it’s the season changing. I’ve spoke about this feeling before. A seasonal affective disorder feeling. Maybe it’s the darker nights that are setting in. But lately I just feel a bit lost in myself and mentally drained. I fidget and feel distracted.
I want to write a really good post. I am motivated to write but it’s just negative thought. The world and the current situation of Covid is so negative that I don’t want to put more melancholy thoughts into the universe but sometimes that’s all I have. I try and be cheery and lift people up but sometimes I don’t have the energy for that. It’s important to think about the positive side of life and I do do that. But often positivity isn’t the constant feeling one has; that’s not to say negativity is but it’s somewhere in the middle where I think most people tend to stand.
To buy or not to buy?
Most of my friends have either bought their own houses or are saving to buy. I am not. With our Australian plans on hold for the time being, I have been asked about what our plans are for the foreseeable future. My answer: I don’t know.
Travelling has always been the main priority in my life when it came to thinking about the future. It still is. Although Covid has put a spanner in the works, my dream of seeing the world is still very much prevalent in my mind.
The idea of putting a large amount of money into a property just doesn’t seem like something I can envisage, at least not now anyway. What money I do have is getting saved so that when the time comes that travel is safe and Covid has mostly gone, I can see the world.
To me owning a home isn’t a priority. I understand why people do it, to get on the property ladder and to actually put money into their own house but I am content with renting. It’s not permanent. And I know a house isn’t necessarily a permanent home for a person but I like knowing I can just get away and have an adventure (when Covid allows). I like the temporary feeling.