Meditation starts at 8pm. I am already exhausted by 7pm. I finish my tea and I sit on the sofa after clearing away the pots and pans. I light a candle and my body sinks into the comfy cushions beneath.

I take a sip of my hot drink (Ribena to be exact). I am calm but my boyfriend is giddy. We laugh at each other and somehow become delirious.

He leaves the room.

I turn my fairy lights on. Pull down the blinds slightly; being careful of the candle on the windowsill.

I turn on the zoom meditation class and I breathe. The power I feel when I meditate is unlike anything else. It’s not the a strength of power that fills me. It’s a power of being in total control and not being in control at the same time. I feel like I’ve given in to whatever my mind feels in that moment. But it’s a grounding feeling. A feeling of being totally me and in tune.

I repeat the affirmations in my head silently trying to find relevance to my own mind and emotions. Sometimes I am able to place the words into exact context, other times I can’t. This is one of those times. But nevertheless I am calm. My inhales aren’t as long as previous times. I overthink this for a moment, then I am back.

The meditate class finishes and I lay for a moment on my rug. It feels comforting.

I was ill last week so feeling comfort is familiar and warming.

I decide to run myself a bath. This is a rare occurrence for me. I am a shower person. I like to get clean then get out. But today I fancy soaking in hot soapy water. I run the taps. Hot first then cold, then back to hot. Or so I think.

Minutes later, I have lit the candles and chosen my calming bath playlist. I am in the bath but it’s not hot or warm really. It’s cool. I am disappointed. But I stay here for a few songs worth. My head is resting on a bath pillow my mother-in-law kindly got me for my birthday. My bath is long and I am short so I end up floating around. The spa music plays and I close my eyes. The candles flicker and the water gets even colder.

I get out, wrap my towel around myself. Blow the candles out and take the plug out.

Although slightly cold now, I feel settled and ready to get into bed. I dry off and boil the kettle for another hot drink. This almost makes up for the cold bath.

I get into bed and start writing this post. My bed has been warmed up by my ridiculously sized hot water bottle. I have fresh bedding on which is super soft and cosy.

I have been going to bed a lot earlier recently. Sometimes I sleep straight away, others I will stay awake and read or go on my phone for a bit. I prefer to just get into bed and sleep. Instead tonight I find myself here. Writing this and reflecting on the evening. Today is done for me. Tomorrow will be here too quickly I’m sure.

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