Here I am again.

I lay on my rug. My candle is burning. My fairy lights are twinkling.

Another meditation class done and I feel so relaxed.

I have decided I want to learn more about meditation. I do it quite regularly but I’ve never researched into it or read up on the benefits. I know firsthand what the benefits are to me but I just want to learn more.

Breath work is so soothing and comforting. Being in tune to how my body feels when I breathe makes me feel so calm. Deep breaths, holds and long releases really do my mind some good. The peace I feel when I have slowed my breathing down is incomparable.

This relax state I feel right now is so needed on a Monday after work and the start of the week.

Monday’s have always brought about dread for me. Throughout my life I have experienced major Sunday blues. The feeling of incoming panic and awareness that Monday’s do not fill me with joy. At school I would always long for Saturdays. The time of the week when I could just be me and do as I pleased (in the confines of being a teenager that is). This same feeling still stays with me now. Most weekends I don’t work so I can enjoy me time and doing the things I love and get fulfilment out of. When Sunday’s come though, there is a feeling of approaching doom; knowing that this joyful free time is coming to an end.

What a depressing sentiment that is! Why should Sunday blues exist? Why should Monday’s fill us with anxiety or stress? Surely this isn’t sustainable. I don’t want my life to be free just for a couple of days. Why is this the societal norm? Living for the weekend shouldn’t be just the way it is. For me the dread of work is always much stronger than actually being there. I build the negativity up on a Sunday and usually when Monday ends I realise it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’m lucky. I do enjoy my job. It’s not what I pictured when I imagined my life at this age but I am proud of my job, it’s rewarding. I’m proud of myself for getting to the position I’m in now and for sticking with it.

But this doesn’t mean I don’t want more from life. A 9-5 life for the rest of my life is definitely not what I picture. For me success doesn’t have to do with your job, or how much you earn. Being success for me, is about being happy. Success shouldn’t be measured in how much money comes into your bank account each month. This isn’t fulfilling. Yes people can be successful in their career but I wouldn’t want that to be the only sense of achievement in my life. If a career defines you then surely you have lost your sense of self; the unique qualities that make you you and not just part of the machine.

I aim to be happy and totally fulfilled in life, that can’t be too much to ask for, surely.

2 thoughts on “Post Meditation Thoughts IV

  1. I hear you. 2020 was the first time in 33 year that I was off work for longer than two weeks ( apart from sickness). I suddenly felt my whole world split right open . That familiar knit in my stomach was gone, my shoulders dropped, the feeling of doom dissipated and I breathed easy. At the age of 38 I my mum passed away, at the time I was an incredibly unhappy retail manager and was pretty ill with endometriosis. After the initial grief, which was horrific and utterly life changing, and after some surgery for my twisted insides, I decided enough was enough. I had been feeling like you do for as long as I remembered and I was sick of it. I went to college when I was 39, passed all my A levels and went to university. I’m lucky in Scotland, to get my Undergrad fees paid for. I graduated with a first class degree in English Literature and went on to do a Master’s in Creative Writing. All I ever wanted to do was write. Since leaving uni I have worked part time in charity shops, poor money, but enough to pay the bills. O also care for my poorly partner. I started writing a novel on 1st April 2020 and am 63000 words in. I’m still not working. I am incredibly poor. We are in lock down and I’ve never felt so free. Oh and I also trained to be a mindfulness facilitator while in lock down. So please know that THIS is temporary. You will find your place. I would recommend future learn Mindfulness free courses to learn more about meditation. So for the ramble.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that feels this way, but then also the more people that feel this way-surely something in society needs to shift.
      It’s crazy what being in Lockdown can make you realise! You’ve clearly worked so hard to be where you are and as you said you’ve never felt so free! Amazing stuff!
      Thank you, I will definitely have a look into those courses. All the best with your novel.


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