I’m laying on my sofa, wrapped in my snowflake grey blanket and smelling the sweet smells of my mango wax melt melting away in the white oil burner placed on my crowded windowsill. My spine feels like it’s being slowly ripped apart thanks for the slipped disc and trapped nerve I am currently suffering with.

I hear nothing over than the murmuring of the television electrical connections and the occasional beating of the water pipes.

I try and move positions to get comfortable but nothing works. So I write this post in hopes the inspiration will drown out the pain.

What do I want to write about? Sometimes the answer is clear, sometimes I know what I want to write about before I start. But this time I don’t. I don’t have a clear vision about what I’m wanting to achieve. This is a time that I just write and see what happens. Sometimes my favourite posts come out of nowhere, like a spark of inspiration that I just feel in the moment and then boom I have a full post ready for publishing.

I guess I have been inspired recently. I’m currently reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and the way she discusses creativity, inspiration and ideas is truly exhilarating for the soul! I’ve talked before about living a creative life and she encapsulates that brilliantly.

Inspiration can come from anywhere. Me and my partner have been watching travel shows recently, specifically Somebody Feed Phil. A documentary series following the writer of Everybody Loves Raymond as he travels the world exploring the food of different cities. After watching a couple of episodes we had a long discussion about travelling. We were inspired by the show. We love food and travelling is our dream! How amazing would it be to travel and document it? It sounds so simple and so generic. But when it’s you doing it, it becomes something that you can design and create your own niche I guess.

I have always associated travel with food. When I was younger I would write a travel diary with the days activities and I would rate the food out of 10. This is something that me and my friends did on a girls trip to Tenerife; after each meal we would go around the table, all 7 of us and rate our meals with descriptive details about each course (we knew how to ‘live it up’).

And then later on holidays with my boyfriend, eating out and trying local cuisine was always such a notable part of the trips. I write in past tense, which breaks my heart a little as our last trip together was Thailand in 2018. With Covid ruining our travel plans for 2020 and 2021, travelling does seem too far in the past.

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses how ideas are constantly in the ether and it just takes a person to be willing to accept the contract made between an idea and the person themselves, in order for inspiration and creativity to blossom. I believe travelling and documenting my journeys is what is set out for me, at least I like to think so anyway. I love writing, and journaling. So why can’t I make something out of it? Wouldn’t it be amazing to make a career out of your passions? I truly envy people who no longer believe their work to be work because it’s their love, their passion, their whole existence. I would love this for myself.

Is it selfish to want that now? I feel almost like I’m not living. That whole cliché of existing but not living; I feel like 2020 has brought that feeling on for everyone. We are just existing in this weird unknown cataclysm with no gauge on what it truly means to be alive anymore. It’s not like we’re not trying to live but we just can’t, not fully anyway.

Plans have been ruined, changed and altered, in hopes that maybe the new plan will be better than the original. Jobs have been lost, as well as livelihoods being damaged too far gone to repair.

I’ve written about the positives of lockdown as a way to see things differently and I still believe that; it’s important for the soul and the mind to search for the goodness in events like this. However the reality is, we are all grasping on to this idea of finding good within this shit storm but we can’t deny the implications of situation we are currently living through. Who knows what will be the lasting events. I don’t really mean on health because I’m not equipped with the information to decipher that topic but for everything else. For our daily lives, our true connections with people, with the world. How will we build back, or build new relationships with other countries, in order for travelling and exploring to take place again? This is something I worry about. I would hate for Covid to have taken away the one true dream I have had since I can remember, as selfish as that sounds. This must be a blip. A horrific, devastating tragedy that will be seen in centuries to come, a blip. Writing that feels wrong. Too many people have lost their lives because of this. I mean blip not as it is fully defined in the dictionary, ‘an unexpected, minor, and typically temporary deviation from a general trend.’ It is not minor by any stretch of the imagination. But I hope it is temporary. I know with modern medicine and the vaccine being injected into millions of people already that in health terms, it will be temporary but the implications it will have on people’s mindsets and mental health may not be so temporary.

There’s no doubt about it, that this event should never have happened. It’s not like one of those situations where you lose your credit card and someone steals £200 from your account and it teaches you not to be so careless with your wallet. This is something that has fully destroyed lives, it has not been brought about as a teaching lesson. However as a way of coping and just getting by, finding a lesson in this massive pile of crap can be beneficial to some people. The planet did benefit for a short while from the lack of pollution being created with industries ceasing to emit damaging fumes into the atmosphere. We need to decipher the difference between Covid and everything else. Everything else refers to Lockdown, to 2020 as a whole.

I don’t believe it’s Covid that has brought about the lessons we so desperately desire, it’s the effects of 2020 as a whole.

People are getting into nature more and connecting with people through technology etc. But Covid itself hasn’t brought about any positives. Covid has ruined and changed lives forever. There is nothing good to come out of Covid.

I am getting away with myself. This can happen a lot when I get a spark of inspiration. My fingers don’t stop typing and I soon realise I have been rambling on with no clear structure. I guess the point of this post is that I am desperately hoping Covid hasn’t fucked things up too much for the future, in all it’s forms.

I realise 2 hours have passed and I haven’t moved. My muscles have properly seized up enough for aching to occur when I do finally move of the sofa. I am warm. My blanket has been kicked off and the candles have died. My mouth is dry and my mind is tired. It’s time I shut off for the night.

I realise I was right, the inspiration did drown out the pain.

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