Today I meditated twice.
The first time I was getting an MRI scan and if anyone reading has had one before you will know how loud they are! The radiologist warned me about the noise and gave me ear protectors but wow, it was noise like nothing I’d really experienced before.
As well as the noise, it is quite claustrophobic. Quite meaning very to be honest. I’ve never liked small spaces. They feel me with dread and panic. Luckily it was bright in the machine so I didn’t feel too trapped but I did close my eyes. To save myself from having a full blown panic attack, I meditated. I focused my mind onto my breath. Repeating to myself ‘in and out.’ Normally I don’t have to silently vocalise my breaths but I needed to drown out the noise. The scan took about 10 minutes in total so it was relatively short but I don’t think I would have gotten through it without using meditation to guide my thoughts away from the environment I was in and focus solely on breathing.
And now my second meditation of the day has just finished. The usual meditation class I take weekly. I am still in Shavasana. My favourite part of the class is laying on the floor and just melting into the ground beneath me. I become one with the floor almost. My body is heavy. I feel at peace.
I’m currently experiencing a lot of pain with a trapped nerve in my neck. But focusing on breathing and sinking into the floor makes me forget, even if it’s just for an instant, the pain is gone.
Today meditation has helped me with fear, panic and also pain. It’s given me the courage I have needed to release those feelings and get on with the task at hand.
I also think about what meditation has given me as a whole. I feel so in tune with myself. I realise who I am and what makes me feel. I don’t pretend to be who I am not. I believe meditation has given me bravery and changed my outlook. I strive to be the best version of myself but only to satisfy me. When I was younger and before I started meditating, I was trying to fit in so much. I remember being in high school and not at all having my shit together, but pretending to. I guess we all did that at some point.
But through meditation and growing as a person, I am feeling fulfilled with who I am. I’m not totally true to myself all the time but I am more authentic than I have ever been. I don’t rely on the validation of others to feel complete with myself. In fact, as the years go on, the cloud of others opinions drawing down on me has almost totally vanished. I feel braver as a person. Stronger within myself.
Meditation may seem daunting or weird or even hippie-like but really it’s just a way of focusing and calming your thoughts.
If I’m struggling mentally, in pain physically, or even feeling absolutely fine; meditation has really helped me provide a sense of peace to my life when everything else seems so uncontrollable.